Friday, Oct. 2.

My soul was this day, at turns, sweetly set on God: I longed to be with him, that I might behold his glory. I felt sweetly disposed to commit all to him, even my dearest friends, my dearest flock, my absent brother, and all my concerns for time and eternity. Oh that his kingdom might come in the world; that they might all love and glorify him, for what he is in himself; and that the blessed Redeemer might see the travail of his soul, and be satisfied! 'Oh come, Lord Jesus, come quickly! Amen.'

Note from Jonathan Edwards: Here ends his diary. These are the last words that are written in it, either by his own hand, or by any other from his mouth.

Thursday, Oct. 1.

I endeavored again to do something by way of writing, but soon found my powers of body and mind utterly fail. Felt not so sweetly as when I was able to do something that I hoped would do some good. In the evening was discomposed and wholly delirious; but it was not long before God was pleased to give me some sleep, and fully composed my mind. Oh, blessed be God for his great goodness to me, since I was so low at Mr. Bromfield's, on Thursday, June 18, last. He has, except those few minutes, given me the clear exercise of my reason, and enabled me to labour much for him, in things both of a public and private nature; and perhaps to do more good than I should have done if I had been well; besides the comfortable influences of his blessed Spirit, with which he has been pleased to refresh my soul. May his name have all the glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Wednesday, Sept. 30.

I was obliged to keep my bed the whole day, through weakness. However, redeemed a little time, and, with the help of my brother, read and corrected about a dozen pages in my MS. giving an account of my conversion.

Lord's day, Sept. 27.

This was a very comfortable day to my soul; I think I awoke with God. I was enabled to lift up my soul to God early this morning; and while I had little bodily strength, I found freedom to lift up my heart to God for myself and others. Afterwards was pleased with the thoughts of speedily entering into the unseen world.

Saturday, Sept. 26.

I felt the sweetness of divine things this forenoon; and had the consolation of a consciousness that I was doing something for God.

Friday, Sept. 25.

This day I was unspeakably weak, and little better than speechless all the day: however, I was able to write a little, and felt comfortably in some part of the day. Oh, it refreshed my soul, to think of former things, of desires to glorify God, of the pleasures of living to him! Oh, my dear God, I am speedily coming to thee, I hope. Hasten the day, O Lord, if it be thy blessed will. Oh come, Lord Jesus, come quickly. Amen.

Thursday, Sept. 24.

My strength began to fail exceedingly; which looked further as if I had done all my work: however, I had strength to fold and superscribe my letter. About two I went to bed, being weak and much disordered, and lay in a burning fever till night, without any proper rest. In the evening I got up, having lain down some of my clothes; but was in the greatest distress that ever I endured, having an uncommon kind of hiccough; which either strangled me, or threw me into a straining to vomit; and at the same time was distressed with griping pains. Oh, the distress of this evening! I had little expectation of my living the night through, now indeed had any about me; and I longed for the finishing moment! ---- I was obliged to repair to bed by six o'clock; and through mercy enjoyed some rest; but was grievously distressed at turns with the hiccough. ---- My soul breathed after God. -- "When shall I come to God, even to God my exceeding joy?" Oh for his blessed likeness!

Wednesday, Sept. 23.

I finished my corrections of the little piece before mentioned, and felt uncommonly peaceful; it seemed as if I had now done all my work in this world, and stood ready for my call to a better. As long as I see any thing to be done for God, life is worth having: but oh, how vain and unworthy it is, to live for any lower end! ---- This day I indited a letter, I think, of great importance, to the Reverend Mr. Byram in New Jersey. Oh that God would bless and succeed that letter, which was written for the benefit of his church! Oh that God would purify the sons of Levi, that his glory may be advanced! ---- This night I endured a dreadful turn, wherein my life was expected scarce an hour or minute together. But blessed be God, I have enjoyed considerable sweetness in divine things this week, both by night and day.

Tuesday, Sept. 22.

Was again employed in reading and correcting, and had the same success as the day before. I was exceedingly weak; but it seemed to refresh my soul thus to spend time.

Monday, Sept. 21.

I began to correct a little volume of my private writings. God, I believe, remarkably helped me in it; my strength was surprisingly lengthened out, my thoughts were quick and lively, and my soul refreshed, hoping it might be a work for God. Oh, how good, how sweet it is, to labour for God!

Lord's Day, Sept. 20.

Was still in a sweet and comfortable frame; and was again melted with desires that God might be glorified, and with longings to love and live to him. Longed for the influences of the divine Spirit to descend on ministers, in a special manner. And oh, I longed to be with God, to behold his glory, and to bow in his presence!

Saturday, Sept. 19.

Near night, while I attempted to walk a little, my thought turned thus; 'How infinitely sweet it is, to love God, and be all for him!' Upon which it was suggested to me, 'You are not an angel, not lively and active.' To which my whole soul immediately replied, 'I as sincerely desire to love and glorify God, as any angel in heaven.' Upon which it was suggested again, 'But you are filthy, not fit for heaven.' Hereupon instantly appeared the blessed robes of Christ's righteousness, which I could not but exult and triumph in; and I viewed the infinite excellency of God, and my soul even broke with longings that God should be glorified. I thought of dignity in heaven; but instantly the thoughts returned, 'I do not go to heaven to get honour, but to give all possible glory and praise.' Oh, how I longed that God should be glorified on earth also! Oh, I was made for eternity, if God might be glorified! Bodily pains I cared not for; though I was then in extremity, I never felt easier. I felt willing to glorify God in that state of bodily distress, as long as he pleased I should continue in it. The grave appeared really sweet, and I longed to lodge my weary bones in it; but oh, that God might be glorified! this was the burden of my cry. Oh, I knew I should be active as an angel in heaven; and that I should be stripped of my filthy garments! so that there was no objection.--But, oh to love and praise God more, to please him for ever! this my soul panted after, and even now pants for while I write. Oh that God might be glorified in the whole earth! 'Lord, let thy kingdom come!' I long for a Spirit of of preaching to descend and rest on ministers, that might address the consciences of men with closeness and power. I saw God 'had the residue of the Sprit;' and my soul longed it should be 'poured from on high.' I could not but plead with God for my dear congregation, that he would preserve it, and not suffer his great name to lose its glory in that work; my soul still longing that God might be glorified.

Lord's Day, Sept. 13

I was much refreshed and engaged in meditation and writing, and found a heart to act for God. My spirits were refreshed, and my soul delighted to do something for God.

Monday, Sept. 7.

I proceeded further in reading my old private writings, and found they had the same effect upon me as before. I could not but rejoice and bless God for what passed long ago, which without writing had been entirely lost.

This evening, when I was in great distress of body, my soul longed that God should be glorified: I saw there was no heaven but this. I could not but speak to the by-standers then of the only happiness, viz. pleasing God. O that I could for ever live to God! The day, I trust, is at hand, the perfect day. Oh the day of deliverance from all sin.

Lord's Day, Sept. 6.

I began to read some of my private writings, which my brother brought me; and was considerably refreshed with what I met with in them.

Lord's Day, Aug. 23

This morning I was considerably refreshed with the thought, yea, the hope and expectation of the enlargement of Christ's kingdom; and I could not but hope the time was at hand, when Babylon the great would fall, and rise no more. This led me to some spiritual meditations, that were very refreshing to me. I was unable to attend public worship, either part of the day; but God was pleased to afford me fixedness and satisfaction in divine thoughts. Nothing so refreshes my soul, as when I can go to God, yea, to God my exceeding joy. When he is so, sensibly, to my soul, of how unspeakable delightful is this!

In the week past I had divers turns of inward refreshing; though my body was inexpressible weak, followed continually with agues and fevers. Sometimes my soul centred in God, as my only portion; and I felt that I should be for ever unhappy if he did not reign. I saw the sweetness and happiness of being his subject, at his disposal. This made all my difficulties quickly vanish.

Lord's Day, August 9.

Comment from Jonathan Edwards:

In his diary for [this day] he speaks of longing desires after death, through a sense of the excellency of a state of perfection.

Lord's Day, July 26.

This day I saw clearly that I should never be happy; yea, that God himself could not make me happy, unless I could be in a capacity to 'please and glorify him for ever.' Take away this, and admit me into all the fine heavens that can be conceived of by men or angels, and I should still be miserable for ever.

Saturday, July 25.

I arrived here at North Hampton; having set out from Boston on Monday, about four o'clock, P.M.  In this  journey I rode about sixteen miles a day, one day with another.  Was sometimes extremely tired and faint on the road, so that is seemed impossible for me to proceed any further; at other time I was considerabely better, and felt some freedom both of body and mind.

Lord's day, July 19

I was just able to attend public worship, being carried to the house of God in a chaise. Heard Dr. Sewall preach in the forenoon: partook of the Lord's supper at this time. In this sacrament I saw astonishing divine wisdom displayed; such wisdom as I saw required the tongues of angels and glorified saints to celebrate. It seemed to me I never should do any thing at adoring the infinite wisdom of God, discovered in the contrivance of man's redemption, until I arrived at a world of perfection; yet I could not help striving to 'call upon my soul, and all within me, to bless the name of God.'

In the afternoon heard Mr. Prince preach. I saw more of God in the wisdom discovered in the plan of man's redemption, than I saw of any other of his perfections, through the whole day.

Last Entry Continued

The next thing I had then to do, was to inquire, whether this was my religion: and here God was pleased to help me to the most easy remembrance and critical review of what had passed in course, of a religious nature, through several of the later years of my life.  And although I could discover much corruption attending my best duties, many selfish views and carnal ends, much spititual pride and self-exaltation, and innumerable other evils which compassed me about; yet God was pleased, as I was reviewing, quickly to put this question out of doubt, by showing me that I had, from time to time, acted above the utmost influence of mere self-love; that I had longed to please and glorify him, as my hightest happiness, &c.  And this review was through grace attended with a present feeling of the same divine temper of mind; I felt now pleased to think of the glory of God, and longed for heaven, as a state wherein I might glorify God perfectly, rather than a place of happiness for myself; and this feeling of the love of God in my heart, which I trust the Spirit of God excited in me afresh, was sufficient to give me full satisfaction, and make me long, as I had many times before done, to be with Christ.  I did not now want any of the sudden suggestion, which many are so pleased with, 'That Christ and his benefits are mine; that God loves me,' &c. in order to give me satisfaction about my state; no, my soul now abhorred those delusions of Satan, which are thought to be the immediate witness of the Spirit, while there is nothing but an empty suggestion of a certain fact, without any gracious discovery of the divine glory, or of the Spirit's work in their own hearts.  I saw the awful delusion of this kind of confidence, as well as the whole of that religion, from which they usually spring, or at least of which they are the attendants.  The false religion of the late day, (though a day of wondrous grace,) the imaginations, and impressions made only on the animal affections--together with the sudden suggestions made to the mind by Satan, transformed into an angel of light, of certain facts not revealed in Scripture--and many such like things, I fear, have mad up the greater part of the religious appearance in many places.

Last Entry Continued....

I saw further, that as this divine temper, whereby the soul exalts God, and treads self in the dust, is wrought in the soul by God's discovering his own glorious perfections in the face of Jesus Christ to it, by the special influences of the Holy Spirit, so he cannot but have regard to it, as his own work; and as it is his image in the soul, he cannot but take delight in it. This I saw again, that if God should slight and reject his own moral image, he must needs deny himself; which he cannot do. And thus I say the stability and infallibility of this religion; and that those who are truly possessed of it, have the most complete and satisfying evidence of their being interested in all the benifits of Christ's redemptions, having their hearts conformed to him; and that these, these only are qualified for the employments and entertainments of God's kingdom of glory; as none but these have any relish for the business of heaven, which is to ascribe glory to God, and not to themselves; and that God (though I would speak it with great reverence of his name and perfection) cannot, without denying himself, finally cast such away.

Last entry continued....

How I was, the first day or two of my illness, with regard to the exercise of reason, I scarcely know; I believe I was somewhat shattered with the violence of the fever, at times: but the third day of my illness, and constantly afterwards, for four or five weeks together, I enjoyed as much serenity of mind, and clearness of thought, as perhaps I ever did in my life; and I think my mind never penetrated with so much ease and freedom into divine things, as at this time; and I never felt so capable of the gospel as now. And as I saw clearly the truth of those great doctrines, which are justly styled the doctrines of grace; so I saw with no less clearness, that the essence of religion consisted in the soul's conformity to God, and acting above all selfish views, for his glory, longing to be for him, to live to him, and please and honour him in all things: and this from a clear view of his infinite excellency and worthiness in himself, to be loved, adored, worshipped, and served by all intelligent creatures. Thus I saw, that when a soul loves God with a supreme love, he therein acts like the blessed God himself, who most justly loves himself in that manner. So when God's interest and his are become one, and he longs that God should be glorified, and rejoices to think that he is unchangeably possessed of the highest glory and blessedness, herein also he acts in conformity to God. In like manner, when the soul is fully resigned to, and rests satisfied and conted with, the divine will, here it is also conformed to God.

On June 18.

I was taken exceeding ill, and brought to the gates of death, by the breaking of small ulcers in my lungs, as my physician supposed. In this extreme weak state I continued for several weeks, and was frequently reduced so low, as to be utterly speechless, and not able so much as to whisper a word; and even after I had so far revived, as to walk about the house, and to step out of doors, I was exercised every day with a faint turn, which continued usually four or five hours; as which times, though I was not so utterly speechless, but that I could say Yes or No, yet I could not converse at all, nor speak one sentence, without making stops for breath; and divers times in this season, my friends gathered round my bed, to see me breathe my last, which they looked for every moment, as I myself also did.

I'll continue periodically posting paragraphs from this long explanation of his month long illness until Brainerd's regular journalling returns in July.

Wednesday, June 17.

This, and the two preceding days, I spent mainly in visiting the minsters of the town, and was treated with great respect by them.

Friday, June 12.

I arrived in Boston this day, somewhat fatigued with my journey. Observed that there is no rest, but in God; fatigues of body, and anxieties of mind, attend us, both in town and country; no place is exempted.

Tuesday, June 9.

I set out on a journey from Northampton to Boston. Travelled slowly, and got some acquaintance with divers ministers on the road.

Having now continued to ride for some considerable time together, I felt myself much better than I had formerly done; and found, that in proportion to the prospect I had of being restored to a state of usefulness, so I desired the continuance of life; but death appeared inconceivable more desirable to me than a useless life; yet blessed be God, I found my heart, at time, fully resigned and reconciled to this greatest of afflictions, if God saw fit thus to deal with me.

Lord's day, June 7.

My attention was greatly engaged, and my soul do drawn forth, this day, by what I heard of the 'exceeding preciousness of the saving grace of God's Spirit,' that it almost overcame my body, in my weak state. I saw, that true grace is exceeding precious indeed; that is is very rare; and that ther is but a very small degree of it, even where the reality of it is to be found; at least, I saw this to be my case.

In the preceding week I enjoyed some comfortable seasons of meditiation. One morning the cause of God appeared exceeding precious to me; the Redeemer's kindom is all that is valuable in the earth, and I could not but long for the promotion of it in the world. I saw also, that his cause is God's, that he has an infinitely greater regard and concern for it than I could possibly have; that if I have any true love to this blessed interest, it is only a drop derived from that ocean; hence, I was ready to 'lift up my head with joy;' and conclude, 'Well, if God's cause be so dear and precious to him, he will promote it.'

And thus I did as it were rest on God, that surely he would promote that which was so agreeable to his own will; though the time when must still be left to his sovereign pleasure.

Lord's day, May 31.

I had little inward sweetness in religion most of the week past; not realizing and beholding spiritually the glory of God, and the blessed Redeemer; from whence always arise my comforts and joys in religion, if I have any at all: and if I cannot so behold the excellencies and perfections of God, as to cause me to rejoice in him for what he is in himself, I have no solid foundation for joy. To rejoice, and only because I apprehend I have an interest in Christ, and shall be finally saved, is a poor mean business indeed.

Lord's day, May 24.

[At Long Meadow in Springfield] Could not but think, as I have often remarked to others, that much more of true religion consists in deep humility, brokenness of heart, and an abasing sense of barrenness and want of grace and holiness, than most who are called Christians imagine; especially those who have been esteemed the converts of the late day. Many seem to know of no other religion but elevated joys and affections, arising only from some flights of imagination, of some suggestion made to their mind, of Christ being theirs, God loving them, and the like.

Lord's day, May 17.

[At Millington] Spent the forenoon at home, being unable to attend the public worship. At this time, God gave me some affecting sense of my own vileness and the exceeding sinfulness of my heart; that there seemed to be nothing but sin and corruption within me. "Innumerable evils compassed me about:" my want of spirituality and holy living, my neglect of God, and living to myself. --All the abominations of my heart and life seemed to be open to my view; and I had nothing to say, but, "God be merciful to me a sinner."--Towards noon I saw, that the grace of God in Christ is infinitely free towards sinners, and such sinner as I was. I also saw, that God is the supreme good, that in his presence is life; and I began to long to die, that I might be with him, in a state of freedom from all sin. Oh, how a small glimpse of his excellency refreshed my soul! Oh, how worthy is the blessed God to be loved, adored, and delighted in for himself, for his own divine excellencies!

Though I felt much dulness, and want of a spirit in prayer this week; yet I had some glimpses of the excellency of divine things; and especially one morning, in secret meditation and prayer, the excellency and beauty of holiness, as a likeness to the glorious God, was so discovered to me, that I began to long earnestly to be in that world where holiness dwells in perfection. I seemed to long for this perfect holiness, not so much for the sake of my own happiness, (although I saw clearly that this was the greatest, yea, the only happiness of the soul,) as that I might please God, live entirely to him, and glorify him to the utmost stretch of my rational powers and capacities.

Lord's day, May 10.

(At Had-Lime) I could not but feel some measure of gratitude to God at this time (wherein I was mcuh exercised,) that he had always disposed me, in my ministry, to insist on the great doctrines of regeneration, the new creature, faith in Christ, progressive santification, supreme love to God, living entirely to the glory of God, being not our own, and the like. God thus helped me to see, in the surest manner, from time to time, that these, and the like doctrines necessarily connected with them, are the only foundation of safety and salvation for perishing sinners; and that those divine dispositions, which are consonant hereto, are that holiness, of these God-like tempers - wherein the soul acts in a kind of concert with God, and would be and do everything that is pleasing to him - I saw, would stand by the soul in a dying hour; for God must, I think, deny himself, if he cast away his own image, even the soul that is one in desires with himself.

Tuesday, April 21.

I set out on my journey for New England, in order (ir it might be the will of God) to recover my health by riding; travelled to New York, and there lodged.

Monday, April 20.

Was in a very disordered state, and kept my bed most of the day. I enjoyed a little more comfort than in several of the preceding days. This day I arrived at the age of twenty-nine years.

Friday, April 17.

In the evening could not but think that God helped me to 'draw near to the throne of grace,' though most unworthy, and gave me a sense of his favour; which gave me inexpressible support and encouragement. Though I scarcely dared to hope the mercy was real, it appeared so great; yet could not but rejoice that ever God should discover his reconciled face to such a vile sinner. Shame and confusion, at times, covered me; and then hope, and joy, and admiration of divine goodness gained the ascendant. Sometimes I could not but admire the divine goodness, that the Lord had not let me fall into all the grossest, vilest acts of sins and open scandal that could be thought of; and felt myself so necessitated to praise God, that this was ready for a little while to swallow up my shame and pressure of spirit on account of my sins.

Thursday, April 16.

Was in bitter anguish of soul in the morning, such as I have scarce ever felt, with a sense of sin and guilt. I continued in distress the whole day, attempting to pray wherever I went; and indeed could not help so doing: but looked upon myself so vile, I dared not look any body in the face; and was even grieved that any body should show me any respect, or at least that they should be so deceived as to think I deserved it.

Wednesday, April 15.

Found some freedom at the throne of grace several times this day. In the afternoon was very weak, and spent the time to very little purpose; and yet in the evening had, I thought, some religious warmth and spiritual desires in prayer: my soul deemed to go forth after God, and take complacence in his diving perfections. But alas! afterwards awfully let down my watch, and grew careless and secure.

Tuesday, April 14.

Was able to do little or nothing; spent some time with Mr. Byram and other friends. This day my brother went to my people.*

*It was David Brainerd's own brother John who took over his congregation for him when he was too ill to be with them.

Monday, April 13.

Assisted in examining my brother. In the evening, was in a solemn devout frame; but was much overdone and oppressed with a violent head-ache.

Friday, April 10.

Spent the forenoon is Presbyterial business: in the afternoon rode to Elizabeth-town; found my brother John there: spent some time in conversation with him; but was extremely weak and outdone, my spirits considerably sunk, and my mind dejected.

Thursday, April 9.

Attended the ordination of Mr. Tucker, and afterwards the examination of Mr. Smith: was in a comfortable frame of mind this day, and felt my heart, I think, sometimes in a spiritual frame.

Tuesday, April 7.

In the afternoon rode to Newark in order to marry the Reverend Mr. Dickinson*; and in the evening performed that work. Afterwards rode home to Elizabeth-town, in a pleasant frame, full of composure and sweetness.

*Jonathan Edwards notes the Reverand Dickinson was "a pious young gentleman; who lived in the ministry but a very short time: he died at Stratfield in Connecticut" the following December. "He was taken ill on a journey, returning from a visit to his friends at Milton, (in the Massachusetts,) which, as I take it, was his native place, and Harvard college the place of his education."

Lord's day, April 5.

It grieved me to find myself so inconceivably barren. My soul thirsted for grace; but alas, how far was I from obtaining what appeared to me so exceedingly excellent! I was ready to despair of ever being a holy creature, and yet my soul was desirous of following hard after God; but never did I see myself so far from having apprehended, or being already perfect, as at this time. The Lord's supper being this day administered, I attended the ordinance: and though I saw in myself a dreadful emptiness and want of grace, and saw myself as it were at an infinite distance from that purity which became the gospel; yet at the communion, especially the distribution of the bread, I enjoyed some warmth of affection, and felt a tender love to the brethren; and I think, to the glorious Redeemer, the first-born among them. I endeavoured then to bring forth mine and his enemies, and slay them before him; and found great freedom in begging deliverance from this spiritual death, as well as asking divine favours for my friends and congregation, and the church of Christ in general.

Saturday, April 4.

Was sunk and dejected, very restless and uneasy, by reason of the misimprovement of time; and yet knew not what to do. I longed to spend time in fasting and prayer, that I might be delivered from indolence and coldness in the things of God; but, alas, I had not bodily strength for these exercises! Oh, how blessed a thing it is to enjoy peace of conscience! but how dreadful is a want of inward peace and composure of soul! It is impossible, I find, to enjoy this happiness without redeeming time, and maintaining a spiritual frame of mind.

Saturday, March 28.

Was taken this morning with violent griping pains. These pains were extreme and constant for several hours; so that it seemed impossible for me, without a miracle, to live twenty-four hours in such distress. I lay confined to my bed the whole day, and in distressing pain all the former part of it; but it pleased God to bless means for the abatement of my distress. Was exceedingly weakened by this pain, and continued so for several days following; being exercised with a fever, cough, and nocturnal sweats. In this distressed case, so long as my head was free of vapoury confusions, death appeared aggreeable to me; I looked at it as the end of toils, and an entrance into a place 'where the weary are at rest;' and I think I had some relish of the entertainments of the heavenly state; so that by these I was allured and drawn as well as driven by the fatigues of life. Oh how happy it is, to be drawn by desires of a state of perfect holiness!

Friday, March 20.

On Friday morning I rose early, walked about among my people, and inquired into their state and concerns; and found an additional weight and burden on my spirit, upon hearing some things disagreeable. I endeavoured to go to God with my distresses, and made some kind of lamentable complaint; and in a broken manner spread my difficulties before God; but notwithstanding, my mind continued very gloomy. About ten o'clock I called my people together, and after having explained and sung a psalm, I prayed with them. There was a considerable deal of affection among them; I doubt not, in some instances, that which was more than merely natural.

Jonathan Edwards' added note on this entry: This was the last interview that he ever had with his people. About eleven o'clock the same day, he left them; and the next day came to Elizabethtown; his melancholy remaining still: and he continued for a considerable time under a great degree of dejection through vapory disorders.

Wednesday, March 18.

Rode out with a design to visit my people; and the next day arrived among them, but was under great dejection in my journey.

Lord's day, March 15.

Was able again to attend the public worship, and felt some earnest desires of being restored to the ministerial work: felt, I think, some spirit and life to speak for God.

Wednesday, March 11.

Being kept in Elizabeth-town as a day of fasting and prayer, I was able to attend public worship; which was the first time I was able so to do after December 21. Oh how much weakness and distress did God carry me through in this space of time! But having obtained help from him, I yet live: Oh that I could live more to his glory!

Wednesday, March 4.

I met with reproof from a friend, which, although I thought I did not deserve it from him, yet was, I trust, blessed of God to make me more tenderly afraid of sin, more jealous over myself, and more concerned to keep both heart and life pure and unblamable. It likewise caused me to reflect on my past deadness, and want of spirituality, and to abhor myself, and look on myself as most unworthy. This frame of mind continued the next day; and for several days after, I grieved to think, that in my necessary diversions I had not maintained more seriousness, solemnity, heavenly affection and conversation. Thus my spirits were often depressed and sunk; and yet I trust that reproof was made to be beneficial to me.

Saturday, Feb. 28.

Was visited by an Indian of my own congregation; who bought me letters, and good news of the sober and good behaviour of my people in general. This refreshed my soul; I could not but soon retire, and bless God for his goodness; and found, I trust, a truly thankful frame of spirit, that God seemed to be building up that congregation for himself.

Tuesday, February 24.

I was able to ride as far as Newark, (having been confined within Elizabeth-town almost four months,) and the next day returned to Elizabeth-town. My spirits were somewhat refreshed with the ride, though my body was weary.

Still in February

And as I recovered some strength, vigour, and spirit, I found at times some freedom and life in the exercise of devotion, and some longings after spirituality and a life of usefulness to the interests of the great Redeemer. At other times I was awfully barren and lifeless, and out of frame for the things of God; so that I was ready often to cry out, 'Oh that it were with me as in months past!' Oh that God had taken me away in the midst of my usefulness, with a sudden stroke, that I might not have been under a necessity of trifling away time in diversions! Oh that I had never lived to spend so much precious time, in so poor a manner, and to so little purpose! Thus I often reflected, was grieved, ashamed, and even confounded, sunk and discouraged.

Lord's Day, Feb. 1.

Though in a very weak and low state, I enjoyed a considerable deal of comfort and sweetness in divine things; and was enabled to plead and use arguments with God in prayer, I think, with a childlike spirit. That passage of Scripture occured to my mind, and gave me great assistance, "If ye, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?" This text I was helped to plead and insist upon; and saw the divine faithfulness engaged for dealing with me better than any earthly parent can do with his child. This season so refreshed my soul, that my body seemed also to be a gainer by it. And from this time I began gradually to amend.

From David Brainerd's Detached Papers: THIRD PAPER

Some signs of godliness.

The distinquishing marks of a true Christian, taken from one of my old manuscripts; where I wrote as I felt and experienced, and not from any considerable degree of doctrinal knowledge, or acquaintance with the sentiments of other in this point.

1. He has a true knowledge of the glory and excellency of God, that he is most worthy to be love and praised for his own divine perfection. Psal. cxlv. 3.

2. God is his portion, Psal. lxxiii. 25. And God's glory his great concern, Matt. vi. 22.

3. Holiness is his delight; nothing he so much longs for, as to be holy as God is holy. Phil. iii. 9-12.

4. Sin is his greatest enemy. This he hates, for its own nature, for what it is in itself, being contrary to a holy God, Jer. ii. 1. And consequently he hates all sin, Rom. vii. 24. 1 John iii. 9.

5. The laws of God also are his delight. Psal. cxix. 97. Rom. vii. 22. These he observes, not our of constraint, from a servile fear of hell; but they are his choice, Psal cxix 30. The strict observand of them is not his bondage, but his greatest liberty, ver. 45.

After the Dec. 21 entry

David Brainerd writes:

After this, having perhaps taken some cold, I began to decline as to bodily health; and continued to do so, till the latter end of January, 1747. Having a violent cough, a considerable fever, an asthmatic disorder, and no appetite for any manner of food, nor any power of digestion, I was reduced to so low a state, that my friends, I believe, generally despaired of my life, and some of them, for some time together, thought I could scarce live a day. At this time, I could think of nothing, with any application of mind, and seemed to be in a great measure void of all affection, and was exercised with great temptations; but yet was not ordinarily afraid of death.