Tuesday, Sept. 22.

Was again employed in reading and correcting, and had the same success as the day before. I was exceedingly weak; but it seemed to refresh my soul thus to spend time.

Monday, Sept. 21.

I began to correct a little volume of my private writings. God, I believe, remarkably helped me in it; my strength was surprisingly lengthened out, my thoughts were quick and lively, and my soul refreshed, hoping it might be a work for God. Oh, how good, how sweet it is, to labour for God!

Lord's Day, Sept. 20.

Was still in a sweet and comfortable frame; and was again melted with desires that God might be glorified, and with longings to love and live to him. Longed for the influences of the divine Spirit to descend on ministers, in a special manner. And oh, I longed to be with God, to behold his glory, and to bow in his presence!

Saturday, Sept. 19.

Near night, while I attempted to walk a little, my thought turned thus; 'How infinitely sweet it is, to love God, and be all for him!' Upon which it was suggested to me, 'You are not an angel, not lively and active.' To which my whole soul immediately replied, 'I as sincerely desire to love and glorify God, as any angel in heaven.' Upon which it was suggested again, 'But you are filthy, not fit for heaven.' Hereupon instantly appeared the blessed robes of Christ's righteousness, which I could not but exult and triumph in; and I viewed the infinite excellency of God, and my soul even broke with longings that God should be glorified. I thought of dignity in heaven; but instantly the thoughts returned, 'I do not go to heaven to get honour, but to give all possible glory and praise.' Oh, how I longed that God should be glorified on earth also! Oh, I was made for eternity, if God might be glorified! Bodily pains I cared not for; though I was then in extremity, I never felt easier. I felt willing to glorify God in that state of bodily distress, as long as he pleased I should continue in it. The grave appeared really sweet, and I longed to lodge my weary bones in it; but oh, that God might be glorified! this was the burden of my cry. Oh, I knew I should be active as an angel in heaven; and that I should be stripped of my filthy garments! so that there was no objection.--But, oh to love and praise God more, to please him for ever! this my soul panted after, and even now pants for while I write. Oh that God might be glorified in the whole earth! 'Lord, let thy kingdom come!' I long for a Spirit of of preaching to descend and rest on ministers, that might address the consciences of men with closeness and power. I saw God 'had the residue of the Sprit;' and my soul longed it should be 'poured from on high.' I could not but plead with God for my dear congregation, that he would preserve it, and not suffer his great name to lose its glory in that work; my soul still longing that God might be glorified.

Lord's Day, Sept. 13

I was much refreshed and engaged in meditation and writing, and found a heart to act for God. My spirits were refreshed, and my soul delighted to do something for God.

Monday, Sept. 7.

I proceeded further in reading my old private writings, and found they had the same effect upon me as before. I could not but rejoice and bless God for what passed long ago, which without writing had been entirely lost.

This evening, when I was in great distress of body, my soul longed that God should be glorified: I saw there was no heaven but this. I could not but speak to the by-standers then of the only happiness, viz. pleasing God. O that I could for ever live to God! The day, I trust, is at hand, the perfect day. Oh the day of deliverance from all sin.

Lord's Day, Sept. 6.

I began to read some of my private writings, which my brother brought me; and was considerably refreshed with what I met with in them.

Lord's Day, Aug. 23

This morning I was considerably refreshed with the thought, yea, the hope and expectation of the enlargement of Christ's kingdom; and I could not but hope the time was at hand, when Babylon the great would fall, and rise no more. This led me to some spiritual meditations, that were very refreshing to me. I was unable to attend public worship, either part of the day; but God was pleased to afford me fixedness and satisfaction in divine thoughts. Nothing so refreshes my soul, as when I can go to God, yea, to God my exceeding joy. When he is so, sensibly, to my soul, of how unspeakable delightful is this!

In the week past I had divers turns of inward refreshing; though my body was inexpressible weak, followed continually with agues and fevers. Sometimes my soul centred in God, as my only portion; and I felt that I should be for ever unhappy if he did not reign. I saw the sweetness and happiness of being his subject, at his disposal. This made all my difficulties quickly vanish.

Lord's Day, August 9.

Comment from Jonathan Edwards:

In his diary for [this day] he speaks of longing desires after death, through a sense of the excellency of a state of perfection.

Lord's Day, July 26.

This day I saw clearly that I should never be happy; yea, that God himself could not make me happy, unless I could be in a capacity to 'please and glorify him for ever.' Take away this, and admit me into all the fine heavens that can be conceived of by men or angels, and I should still be miserable for ever.

Saturday, July 25.

I arrived here at North Hampton; having set out from Boston on Monday, about four o'clock, P.M.  In this  journey I rode about sixteen miles a day, one day with another.  Was sometimes extremely tired and faint on the road, so that is seemed impossible for me to proceed any further; at other time I was considerabely better, and felt some freedom both of body and mind.

Lord's day, July 19

I was just able to attend public worship, being carried to the house of God in a chaise. Heard Dr. Sewall preach in the forenoon: partook of the Lord's supper at this time. In this sacrament I saw astonishing divine wisdom displayed; such wisdom as I saw required the tongues of angels and glorified saints to celebrate. It seemed to me I never should do any thing at adoring the infinite wisdom of God, discovered in the contrivance of man's redemption, until I arrived at a world of perfection; yet I could not help striving to 'call upon my soul, and all within me, to bless the name of God.'

In the afternoon heard Mr. Prince preach. I saw more of God in the wisdom discovered in the plan of man's redemption, than I saw of any other of his perfections, through the whole day.

Last Entry Continued

The next thing I had then to do, was to inquire, whether this was my religion: and here God was pleased to help me to the most easy remembrance and critical review of what had passed in course, of a religious nature, through several of the later years of my life.  And although I could discover much corruption attending my best duties, many selfish views and carnal ends, much spititual pride and self-exaltation, and innumerable other evils which compassed me about; yet God was pleased, as I was reviewing, quickly to put this question out of doubt, by showing me that I had, from time to time, acted above the utmost influence of mere self-love; that I had longed to please and glorify him, as my hightest happiness, &c.  And this review was through grace attended with a present feeling of the same divine temper of mind; I felt now pleased to think of the glory of God, and longed for heaven, as a state wherein I might glorify God perfectly, rather than a place of happiness for myself; and this feeling of the love of God in my heart, which I trust the Spirit of God excited in me afresh, was sufficient to give me full satisfaction, and make me long, as I had many times before done, to be with Christ.  I did not now want any of the sudden suggestion, which many are so pleased with, 'That Christ and his benefits are mine; that God loves me,' &c. in order to give me satisfaction about my state; no, my soul now abhorred those delusions of Satan, which are thought to be the immediate witness of the Spirit, while there is nothing but an empty suggestion of a certain fact, without any gracious discovery of the divine glory, or of the Spirit's work in their own hearts.  I saw the awful delusion of this kind of confidence, as well as the whole of that religion, from which they usually spring, or at least of which they are the attendants.  The false religion of the late day, (though a day of wondrous grace,) the imaginations, and impressions made only on the animal affections--together with the sudden suggestions made to the mind by Satan, transformed into an angel of light, of certain facts not revealed in Scripture--and many such like things, I fear, have mad up the greater part of the religious appearance in many places.

Last Entry Continued....

I saw further, that as this divine temper, whereby the soul exalts God, and treads self in the dust, is wrought in the soul by God's discovering his own glorious perfections in the face of Jesus Christ to it, by the special influences of the Holy Spirit, so he cannot but have regard to it, as his own work; and as it is his image in the soul, he cannot but take delight in it. This I saw again, that if God should slight and reject his own moral image, he must needs deny himself; which he cannot do. And thus I say the stability and infallibility of this religion; and that those who are truly possessed of it, have the most complete and satisfying evidence of their being interested in all the benifits of Christ's redemptions, having their hearts conformed to him; and that these, these only are qualified for the employments and entertainments of God's kingdom of glory; as none but these have any relish for the business of heaven, which is to ascribe glory to God, and not to themselves; and that God (though I would speak it with great reverence of his name and perfection) cannot, without denying himself, finally cast such away.

Last entry continued....

How I was, the first day or two of my illness, with regard to the exercise of reason, I scarcely know; I believe I was somewhat shattered with the violence of the fever, at times: but the third day of my illness, and constantly afterwards, for four or five weeks together, I enjoyed as much serenity of mind, and clearness of thought, as perhaps I ever did in my life; and I think my mind never penetrated with so much ease and freedom into divine things, as at this time; and I never felt so capable of the gospel as now. And as I saw clearly the truth of those great doctrines, which are justly styled the doctrines of grace; so I saw with no less clearness, that the essence of religion consisted in the soul's conformity to God, and acting above all selfish views, for his glory, longing to be for him, to live to him, and please and honour him in all things: and this from a clear view of his infinite excellency and worthiness in himself, to be loved, adored, worshipped, and served by all intelligent creatures. Thus I saw, that when a soul loves God with a supreme love, he therein acts like the blessed God himself, who most justly loves himself in that manner. So when God's interest and his are become one, and he longs that God should be glorified, and rejoices to think that he is unchangeably possessed of the highest glory and blessedness, herein also he acts in conformity to God. In like manner, when the soul is fully resigned to, and rests satisfied and conted with, the divine will, here it is also conformed to God.

On June 18.

I was taken exceeding ill, and brought to the gates of death, by the breaking of small ulcers in my lungs, as my physician supposed. In this extreme weak state I continued for several weeks, and was frequently reduced so low, as to be utterly speechless, and not able so much as to whisper a word; and even after I had so far revived, as to walk about the house, and to step out of doors, I was exercised every day with a faint turn, which continued usually four or five hours; as which times, though I was not so utterly speechless, but that I could say Yes or No, yet I could not converse at all, nor speak one sentence, without making stops for breath; and divers times in this season, my friends gathered round my bed, to see me breathe my last, which they looked for every moment, as I myself also did.

I'll continue periodically posting paragraphs from this long explanation of his month long illness until Brainerd's regular journalling returns in July.

Wednesday, June 17.

This, and the two preceding days, I spent mainly in visiting the minsters of the town, and was treated with great respect by them.

Friday, June 12.

I arrived in Boston this day, somewhat fatigued with my journey. Observed that there is no rest, but in God; fatigues of body, and anxieties of mind, attend us, both in town and country; no place is exempted.

Tuesday, June 9.

I set out on a journey from Northampton to Boston. Travelled slowly, and got some acquaintance with divers ministers on the road.

Having now continued to ride for some considerable time together, I felt myself much better than I had formerly done; and found, that in proportion to the prospect I had of being restored to a state of usefulness, so I desired the continuance of life; but death appeared inconceivable more desirable to me than a useless life; yet blessed be God, I found my heart, at time, fully resigned and reconciled to this greatest of afflictions, if God saw fit thus to deal with me.

Lord's day, June 7.

My attention was greatly engaged, and my soul do drawn forth, this day, by what I heard of the 'exceeding preciousness of the saving grace of God's Spirit,' that it almost overcame my body, in my weak state. I saw, that true grace is exceeding precious indeed; that is is very rare; and that ther is but a very small degree of it, even where the reality of it is to be found; at least, I saw this to be my case.

In the preceding week I enjoyed some comfortable seasons of meditiation. One morning the cause of God appeared exceeding precious to me; the Redeemer's kindom is all that is valuable in the earth, and I could not but long for the promotion of it in the world. I saw also, that his cause is God's, that he has an infinitely greater regard and concern for it than I could possibly have; that if I have any true love to this blessed interest, it is only a drop derived from that ocean; hence, I was ready to 'lift up my head with joy;' and conclude, 'Well, if God's cause be so dear and precious to him, he will promote it.'

And thus I did as it were rest on God, that surely he would promote that which was so agreeable to his own will; though the time when must still be left to his sovereign pleasure.